It has answered perhaps the greatest question of all: what does Gwyneth’s vagina smell like? According to the candle, it is a “funny, gorgeous, sexy and beautifully unexpected scent”, a mix of “geranium, citrusy bergamot, and cedar absolutes juxtaposed with damask rose and ambrette seed”. Whole religions have been founded trying to answer the big questions: what is the meaning of life? What is reality? How can we cope with the concept of mortality? Goop is a quasi-religion in itself, from its messianic head figure, its deluded self-belief, its ludicrous claims and its overflowing bank account accrued from the desperate and vulnerable, estimated to exceed $250m. Goop is worth more than a quarter of a billion dollars, largely because of Gwyneth talking about her vagina Despite that, it is still for sale on, for a steal at a mere £60, although after that legal unpleasantness, the only words next to it on the site are: “Eggs are pre-drilled for string add-on, we recommend using unwaxed dental floss.” The mind does truly boggle. In fact, the gynaecologist Dr Jen Gunter, in an open letter to Gwyneth that went as viral as an unwashed jade egg, suggested that it might cause toxic shock syndrome.
It turns out, incredibly, that shoving a random object up your vagina won’t “balance hormones, regulate menstrual cycles, prevent uterine prolapse and increase bladder control”. This was in 2018 when her near-notorious wellness company, Goop, was fined under California’s civil penalties laws for making what was described as “unsubstantiated” marketing claims about the aforementioned jade egg. As all of us ladies know, sometimes there can be problems in that department, and while most of us sort ours out with a dose of Canesten, Gwyneth’s vagina problem, in classic Gwyneth fashion, ended up costing her $145,000 (£110,000). Yes, Gwyneth’s vagina has been good to us, but it has primarily been good to her. And I say “ was what the sex dust cost” because the sex dust, like the vagina candle, sold out. It is priced at a comparatively bargain £58, which was pretty much what the sex dust cost, which makes me think Gwyneth is underpricing her vagina, really, if she is just selling it for the price of a load of old dust. So Gwyneth has made a candle called This Smells Like My Vagina because, well, of course she has.
#Funny words for pussy free#
I am torn between suggesting this is a very advanced yoga position accessible only to those who have endless free time to practise, and pointing out this is The Human Centipede, but for extreme narcissists. Because Gwyneth no longer has just her head up her vagina she has crawled all the way inside.
#Funny words for pussy series#
Truly, has any vagina ever been as fruitful as Gwyneth Paltrow’s? It has birthed discussions of vaginal steaming, vaginal jade eggs, $15,000 dildos, something called “sex dust” and a photo of Gwyneth standing in a giant vagina to advertise some inevitable Netflix documentary/reality TV series crossover.
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